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excuse me, is this mic on;

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{almost exactly a year ago.}

if you haven’t noticed it, my favorite tag for posts recently is “that’s why i’m single”.

it originated in my junior year of high school. it started as a game to (somehow?) get my bff over a really turdish ex-boyfriend of hers (who once yelled at me for offering him a homemade cookie, a real catch). whenever any of us did something horridly embarrassing or unattractive, we’d say in a sing-songy voice, “that’s why you’re siiiiingle!”.

the friend eventually got over the dude, we lost a lot of shame, and we still play the game to this day. it’s become harder and harder to top each other on being just completely undesirable (conventionally speaking, obviously. because come on, weirdness is the spice of the dating world)

but guys, i think i won.

i was reorganizing my new bookshelf (don’t say it, i already know) i found a random journal i wrote some notes down in last year. i found a gem to win all the games of “that’s why you’re single. i’d also like everyone to know that right above this gem is a post-it note that has “TRISH, THE CURSING CROSS-STITCHER” written on it in gel pen, which i assume was a character i was trying to develop. i rest my case.

so without further ado, a white girl rap (my favorite canon is it sad that this isn’t my first one?) from exactly 361 days ago. it doesn’t get any more (conventionally) undesirable than this:

white girl rap, take two. 
yo, yo check it. 
i got my vera bradley and my skinny jeans 
my skin ain’t white, it’s oxi-clean.
all these other bitches be tryna’ start a fight
but i ain’t got time, bachelorette’s on tonight.

these haters think they know me
think they know my life.
but do they really know about my white girl strife?

split ends, cracked iphones, liberal arts colleges,
daddy issues, veganism, boys that won’t acknowledge us!
now get this, being a white girl is hard
we have to update our blogs and try not to fart

pretend to be vegan and stop eating gluten
crushes on “bad boys” and have opinions on putin.
and now here’s my home girl, D(J.Crew), 
my brooks brother from another mother and her palomino, boo. 
 

goodness gracious.

cupcake scurvy;

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over the past weeks of working at a local cupcake bakery, i’ve self-appointed myself as the honorary “angel of diabetes” of boston. i close most nights there, which means many sad, little cupcakes that don’t have a home.

needless to say, when i can’t pawn them off to the rogue gentleman or homeless people or my roommates, they make their home in….my stomach.

also needless to say*, “breakfast” usually consists of…a cupcake. and lunch….also can include a cupcake. and a free drink from a local business that i bartered with….cupcakes.

i’ve joked with my co-workers at my other job (50 hour work weeks between two jobs also doesn’t help with my all-cupcake diet) that it is only a matter of time before i get “cupcake scurvy”. i realized i should probably meet a vegetable or two when i realized the only fruit i had eaten that week was a raspberry atop my favorite cupcake, the lemon raspberry.

so if you see a uber-smiley red head bumbling around cambridge , looking dazed and running after her shadow, just give me an orange and leave me be . that’s just me in a diabetic shock and sick with cupcake scurvy.

nothing out of the ordinary.

*my grammatical skills have also been temporarily impaired.

things i’m loving right now;

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i know, i know, kids. there has been a lack of mackenzie in this blog of mine. it’s mostly been chock-full of quotes not written by me. not a whole lot of awkward letters written to my future gentleman caller. or ramblings about how much my kindle has sucked away my social life.

because to be quite honest, i’ve been feeling a lack of shine in my everyday demeanor. in the last two weeks i’ve had to make quite a few hefty decisions. some were quite impulsive and unexpected, and the others had been sitting in my stomach like a bad stomachache that i had pushed away, ignored, and didn’t believe to be a sign.

which brings me to my number one thing that i’m loving right now…

1. i quit my job. finally. i had been dreaming about this day for months. i had originally planned a humorous way to quit my job, which included throwing up the deuces, rolling away on one of the stock carts at work, throwing my apron on the ground, and i would somehow find a way to incorporate a rube goldberg machine in there.  for months i had felt a lack of shine. i was too tired from work (and its odd shifts. 9 am to 7:30?!) to go to my yoga or dance classes, hang out with friends. i had enough mental capacity to watch one episode of “late night with jimmy fallon” until i passed out on the first surface i could find. i was desperately needing a coffee break for the soul. probably the most impulsive decision i’ve made in a while, but definitely the most worth it!

2. matt pond pa. seriously. every time i listen to this band i feel as if my life is being changed. my favorites by them include : halloween, snow day , and devil in the water. they make me want to go hiking in the pocono mountains and eat s’mores on a early fall night. i know. description, much? but it’s so true.

3. having enough time to do yoga. seeing as i now have a lot more time (but not for long, i got a new job yesterday! god is so spot-on sometimes) i have been making my favorite night time yoga classes. it feels so good to get back into my favorite poses (dancers pose, half moon, and tree) that i’ve actually been catching myself with a stupid-silly grin on my face on the  mirror in the studio. i’d count that as a good sign.

4. paying off all of my student loans to my former school! and now i can get my transcripts and have since applied to transfer schools! now all i have to do is wait until june 1st and i can find out from two more schools that i’ve applied to! so many deserving exclamation points! and now i can officially check this one off my list of things i wanted to do this year.

5. my collection of vegan cookbooks. these bad boys have also been making me giving that silly-stupid grin on my face this week. yoga and a lot of baking of french onion tarts have been making me want to do happy dances while listening to matt pond pa. i think i might have to start a food series on my little ol’ blog. my house is an amalgam (i love that word) of french onion tarts, fresh baked banana bread, roasted asparagus with lemon, and the most ridiculous walnut-chocolate chip cookies. you guys are all welcome to come over if you bring me breath mints.

6. the books of nick hornby and david nicholls. guys, write more books for me. i’m already almost done with starter for ten, mr. nicholls, and i’m starting one day next. hornby, we’ve talked about this before. i need more of your british wit in my life, and i’m running out of books by you. no pressure, just hurry up. please?

xo

all stuffed up;

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my nose is clogged up. when i go outside my eyes begin to water. i finally uncovered my spring clothes to find that they barely fit me in any flattering way. it’s ten days until i go to boston to apartment search. and i don’t know where to begin to make any of these issues a little less overwhelming.

i’m a firm believer in letting yourself feel angry or sad or overwhelmed if that is truly how you are feeling. i don’t think it’s healthy in anyway to suppress feelings. but i also don’t believe in negative emotions lasting for more than 3 minutes. and anyways, puppy kisses and tea usually heal all wounds.

but what do you do when it lingers? it’s been at least 4 years since i’ve felt this lingering sense of angst. i just turned twenty?! didn’t i leave my teenage angst with my old bright eyes cds, old journals, and livejournal account?!?!

in short , i feel all stuffed up. i’m probably a full 1o lbs more than i’ve ever been in my life. my nose can be used for a musical instrument due to allergies.  i’m about to make a huge move away from my dog. thinking about trying to detox makes me miss frozen yogurt.  and i have this urge to ask for someone to hold my hand when i apartment search in a week and a half.

i usually hate documenting negative feelings on blogs, but you guys are such lovely human beings and i always adore hearing what you have to say: what do you guys usually do when you find yourself in a situation like this? recommend any good detoxes (i’d like to still eat grains. i’m not crazy, ya know)?  any good quotes, nuggets of advice , songs to have a dance party to?  all i have right now is that  i’m debating the purchase of a webcam for my mom so i can skype my dog over the summer (this is seriously bringing me comfort).

alright, this post has taken me longer than three minutes to write, thus more than three minutes of wallowing.  i think it’s  time to hang out with my dog and make some tea. don’t you agree?

xoxo

scenes from twenty;

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i’m silly to say this, but even though i am only  five days in to my membership a part of the twenty-somethings of this world i feel as if i know what this year will have in store for me.

ever since i turned nineteen, i’ve felt a sort of spark surrounding birthdays. for so many of my birthdays i’ve thought they needed to be filled with lots of friends, whether they were close or not. confetti and liveliness. blasting music and smiling faces. a space filled up. but that’s not what birthdays mean to me anymore. i no longer care if i chose the right invitations or invited the right people. or chose the right theme for the party. and so on and so forth. since i turned nineteen, i feel like birthdays are times where you give yourself more and more permission.

more permission to…

…get  a silly tattoo that some friends might think is a bad idea.

…ask cute boys to swing dance with you. just because.

…take silly trips to far away lands such as chicago, boston, new york, and san francisco. and not feel bad for deciding to do so.

…and not feeling bad for any of your decisions for that matter.

…spending most of your birthdays with your mom by your side. because she is better than a room full of people. and she also agrees to take you to target and go on a mini-shopping spree.

…enjoying a vegan cheese steak with gusto. sure, it might make you a “hipster”, but it is really ridiculously delicious. especially when chased by a vegan chocolate chip cookie soon after.

…asking members of bands to take photo booth pictures with you.

…deciding where you want to move. where you want to go to school. and not letting any one else’s judgment determine either of those. it’s taken twenty + years to acquire that intuition, trust that thing!

and this isn’t just on days of birthdays. for me, it’s extended into the rest of the year. i’ve never held much weight to resolutions on january first. for me, march 7th is the most magical of days. and this one was especially so. when i turned nineteen i finally learned what it meant to be free, but was a bit hesitant in how i wielded that newfound freedom. i knew i had that freedom in my pocket but kept it in there for rainy days and used it with caution. i was a card carrying free lady of the world, but tended to only use that membership card for occasions spread out over the year. but when i turned twenty, i instantly felt like it was a crime to not use that freedom.

so use it i will.

because i’d really like to go swing dancing again. until a ridiculous hour of the night…er, morning.

with boys that may or may not have worn fedoras *

 

*sorry future man friend, i’m a flip flopper.

changes and confessions, day 13;

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                                         {dress, thrifted; belt, thrifted; tights, belks; shoes, free!}

i don’t know if it has been quite evident or not, but i’ve been feeling quite off lately. perhaps it is my jet lag (i can still get away with that, right?). or the fact that i’m in limbo (wishing it was with leo dicaprio) in terms with my moving soon (!!) and trying to figure out all of my school stuff (more on that later), but i’ve been feeling like my head is in an another world.

when i’m at work it literally takes me 3-5 seconds to drift off into my own world; this world is filled with puppies, and books, and non-floridian weather. weekend trips to cape cod and studying late at night with a thermos of coffee. learning about theatre during the holocaust, children’s literature, and universal grammar. and not explaining directions to nearby roller coasters to tourists for 8 hours every day.

30in30 011edit   needless to say, it’s been hard for me to stay present with so many exciting changes occurring within the next 1-3 months (holy moly). i just need to keep reminding myself that weeknight visits to goodwill and chipotle with my mom, snuggling with my dog, and screaming to adele in the car with mother dearest are precious moments that i need to savor.

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whoa, too much deep contemplation for today. time to get to the light and fluffy now, shall we?!?

a few weeks ago i was honored to have been awarded a stylish blogger award from my dear friend fabienne (i am literally on my knees, bowing down yelling “i am not worthy! i am not worthy!” as i type this, fabienne!), upon accepting this award i have to confess seven facts about myself and then tag some other bloggers i’d like to get to know better!

1. i can basically subsist on puppy kisses alone. i swear it. all i need is a tail wag as i come through the door when i come home from work and i turn into a puddle like i’m alex mack. *

2. i fixate on things. hard core. for example, when i participated in nanowrimo last november i listened to only one cd when i wrote the novel: “the rhumb line” by ra ra riot. i read "born standing up” by steve martin twice in one week. and i can watch the same episode of snl over and over again, as well as the same cds over and over.  and i watched “amelie”  approximately 27 times in one month. this all usually annoys my roommates, but i can’t help it! i like what i like!

3. i’m a huge nerd. this really isn’t a confession or news. i’m just a big nerd, plain and simple. studying for 16 hours over the course of a weekend in my senior year was not out of the ordinary (sigh. ap biology. ugh). and i blame rory gilmore for being my enabler for this type of behavior in high school. yes, rory gilmore was my studying inspiration in high school. yes, i had something called a “studying inspiration” in high school. i wish i was kidding.

4.  becoming a vegan was possibly one of the best decisions i have ever made. i’ve been lactose intolerant/borderline allergic  since i was basically since i was a wee little mackenzie. and it took me nineteen years to realize that i don’t have to hobble around with stomach pains! what a startling discovery! i am in love with veganism, and basically want to have a platonic love-square with isa chandra moscowitz, terry hope romero, and dreena burton. holla at me, ladies.

5. I’M MOVING TO BOSTON!!!! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) it’s been killing me with suspense, i’m so glad i can finally yell it from the blog rooftops now!

6. as of this summer (if all my financial aid pans out) i will be a student at a pretty serious school in boston. i’ll reveal which one it is once all my proverbial ducks are in a row and i’m fully registered! can i get a hell yeah for finally getting back to school, ladies?!

7. things i’ve never done: grown my hair past my shoulders, had a man-friend, had a friend named melvin (i’d like this one to change), owned a cat (surprisingly), been to europe. things i have done: gotten backstage twice! (one was vampire weekend, swoon), rock climbed, gotten a tattoo, watched the entire “gilmore girls” series twice**. in less than one year.

and now to tag some lovely ladies i’d luuuurve, luff, and loave to know better!

emily from say anything

chelsea from the triumphs and blunders of a kooky gal

anna, from little reminders of love

erin, from better than bland

maya, from the collegiate gourmande

danielle, from a nourishing glimpse

hannah, from as simple as that

 

xoxo!

 

*if you got that reference, you are officially my favorite person ever. EVER.

**i may or may not be listening to the “gilmore girls” soundtrack as i type this.

the plight of glitter, scribbled notes, and academia;

 

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i have to admit. i’m a girl who loves a lot of things. i can only count three books i do not like (“emma” by jane austen, “a walk to remember” by nicholas sparks & “the alchemist” by paulo coelho), two people i do not care to talk to, zero movies i do not like  (edit: this is a lie, i thought the nickelodeon movie “fred: the movie” could be used for interrogation/torture purposes).

i love words. and books. and the way people use their own diction and syntax to form those words into pieces of art that leave me blown away on sunday afternoons after i turn the last page. and daydreaming about something i’ve written, something that could one day have my name on the book spine, alphabetized in between dave eggers and  jonathan safran foer.

i love dancing. and dance parties. and dancing like the awkward caucasian i am. and making people laugh with my jokes and quips and one-liners and weird references. and acting and singing to my captive audience of my…dogs in the kitchen as i bake red velvet cupcakes. practicing cockney accents and facial expressions in my bathroom as i get ready for work. wearing silly outfits chock-full of glitter and googly eyes and doing silly accents and making a living from it fill my dreams. feeling the heat and laughter from an audience, the instant gratification that you had an effect on them. and earnestly listening to the introduction to “saturday night live” and imagining the announcer announce my name in between abby elliott and bill hader.

i love a good argument. i love stumbling upon an amazing word i found in a book and then spending a good ten minutes figuring out its etymology (“somnambulist”, such a good one) . launching into a total linguistic rant with myself about two words that totally piss me off (“intense” and “tense” annoy me. a lot.) debating universal grammar (ugh) and how much i disagree with noam chomsky (double ugh) for hours with friends (typing out this sentence actually made me angry. like hulk-style-rip-my-shirt angry). daydreaming about future masters programs in linguistics that make me drool is not unusual for me. and imagining my name on a list of graduates, in between some future owner of a fortune-500 company and a future dancer at the new york city ballet, or something along those lines.

and this is where i find myself in a position that i do not love. i love all of these things. but am never quite sure of which path i am supposed to take. the path of the writer with the hunger to fill notebooks with characters and mannerisms and adventures until my hands refuse to scribble down anymore notes? the girl who finds herself more at home in rooms filled with fake food and furniture, predetermined dialogue, a new person to become,  and eager audiences, than she is in her own teeny apartment? or the hell-bent academic who finds herself comforted by new linguistic theories to dive into, and doesn’t have the time to put on her glitter-laden outfits to perform for a crowd, choosing to debate theories in darkened classrooms?

 

this is where i find myself right now. torn between piles of glitter scattered amongst my clothing and laughing crowds. between dark corners of libraries and stacks of aged, odd-smelling books written by my fellow annoyingly curious predecessors. and the shelves of bookstores who might know my name on the spine of books. books that would be filled with the people whose adventures filled my head and heart, and i so desperately chronicled for the world to know them too.

and that’s perfectly fine with me. i’m perfectly content with being torn between the glitter, the books, and the hastily written notes. perfectly content.

the prodigal daughter;

{i’m back! the prodigal daughter is back. and despite leaving my computer charger at my hostel, and blogging from my mom’s ghetto fab computer, i have quite the meaty post for you}

everytime i go on a trip i feel like i arrive at some sort of realization. in chicago, it was that i didn’t have to stay in a place because i felt i was obligated to. in boston, it was that cities can completely surprise you and beat out any of your expectations. and in new york, it was that i didnt like new york at all (i know, blasphemy). but in san fran, and a few days prior to my departure to san fran, it was that “holy crap, this is what my life can be like ALL THE TIME! IT’S HAPPENING. IT’S REALLY HAPPENING!” feeling. sort of like you are in the lizzie-mcguire-movie version of your life, and feeling like “hey now hey now, this is what dreams are made of” moment. and ethan craft totally thinks your hair and outfit and lipgloss/you is/are cute.

two days before i got to san francisco, i got to see this band and this band. me and my fellow dance-challenged white girl ladyfriends were dancing up a storm right in front as they were playing. and who would guess that our terrible dance moves would get us backstage and eventually we got invited to go to the  theme parks with the band? not me.

one day before san francisco, i got to see yann tiersen. no explanation needed.

and while i was in san francisco, you better believe i got myself into some silly situations:

 mauled with love by multiple bernese mountain dogs. talking to men wearing berets (whose houses were used in the movie “i married an axe murderer”?!). going to mass at grace cathedral. getting hit on in parks and making up fake boyfriends.  meeting so many fantastically crazy and like-minded folks in my hostel. and meeting awesome blog friends (!!!)

 visiting the ucberkeley campus and then that spiraling into swing dancing with ucberkeley students and then going to get curry with ucberkeley students and then going to a play with ucberkeley students and then wanting to just become a ucberkeley student.

finding new friends who are going to be moving to the same city you will be moving to (cryptic for now, as plans get finalized! ). and who will be going to the same school as you will be in the fall (once again, cryptic just for now! note: it is not ucberkeley.)

having a romantic valentine’s day spent on alcatraz, a dinner at cafe gratitude, then an impromptu city-wide pillow fight (yes, pillow fight).

you see, guys. this is why i love traveling by myself. you learn the power of yes and no. no, mr. frenchdude, i do not want to go alone to the golden gate bridge with you (ironic? yes. true story? yes.) why yes, i’d love to go get curry and see a play with you awesome swing-dancing ucberkeley kids. no, i don’t want to work at this theme park anymore. but yes, i’d love to go to your school. and yes, i’d love to say yes to life a bit more.

in short, i finally feel like my life is starting. like this is it, this is where i finally get to say i’m getting somewhere. slowly but surely i’m getting there. i might be the tortoise in the situation. but i’d rather be the tortoise than a specatator of the race.

then again, i still haven’t seen “gnomeo and juliet” (i’ve legitimately waited 1.5 years for this movie), so i think that’s a good jumping off point for this whole life-starting-back-up again thing.

{photos; 1. in front of golden gate bridge 2. beach overlooking alcatraz 3 man who wrote me a free poem at ferry building farmers market 4. steepest hill i climbed/died on 5. doe library @ ucberkeley 6. coffee art @ blue bottle coffee}

pining for college, dorm rooms and all;

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cambridge, circa november 2010.

guys, i don’t think there is anyone who adores school quite as much as i do.

i was always that girl. i’d correct your spelling. and your math homework. with a smile on my face as i color-coded my notes with different hello kitty highlighters. winning every school spelling bee that i could. and devouring any book i could (afterall, i was the student assistant to the library when i was in middle school. could you expect anything less from me?)

i love the romanovs . and i could be seen spending most nights in high school on wikipedia, looking up rasputin or the swedish royals. and the online etymology dictionary basically owns me, heart and soul.

and it was never my intention to leave school this past april because i disliked school. HA! far from it. that school just wasn’t right for me. but now that i’m not in school currently, i miss it more than you know.

i miss the smelly books that would greet me every time i had to go into the russian literature section. they’re cracked covers seemed to say, “well, hi there, mackenzie! prepared to be depressed by this protagonist for the  rest of the night. and yes, he is going to somehow lose his nose in the course of this story. you heard me right, nose.”

i miss color-coding my notes with my collection of sharpie pens (i’m up to at least 30 now). blue for history, always. green for science. red for literature. always, always, always.

and hell, i even miss getting overpriced for textbooks. that’s just the college experience.

and i miss everything that the lovely camilla described in her postthe intellect. the staying up late studying. i miss bringing my huge thermos of coffee to my favorite nook in the library to basically translate organismic biology into my own language.  i even dream about french philology programs and grad school programs in linguistics.(lofty dreams.)

and basically every vampire weekend song on their first album makes me pine for college, fluorescently-lit dorm rooms and all. especially this one.

but being me, i’ve applied for transfer admission, guys. four months until the deadlines (nerd alert). i’m really, really doing it. i’m going back to school. and i’m basically feeling like a 13 year old girl at a justin bieber concert.

yes, i just made that analogy. school is the justin bieber of my life.

let’s just hope that my dream schools are planning to do one of those metaphorical coy hair flips in my general direction.

the glare of your own shine;

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Somedays I wish I could write myself letters, pages and pages of hastily scribbled letters.

Some of them would be filled with encouragement, a go-get-’em attitude, and plenty of inspiring quotes from Eat, Pray, Love, and the likes of Maya Angelou, and Oscar Wilde. Telling me to keep on going, you’re so much closer, just a few more inches and a few more big decisions. And bam, you’ll be there.

Some of them, I admit, would be of anger and of frustration and not very nice to the innocent onlooker. They would be so angrily written that thankfully the ink would bleed together to make Rorschach-esque blobs upon the paper, rather than fully formed letters to make up hurtful words. I don’t think I would like to view these words again after I had painstakingly inscribed them on to the paper. Once is enough.

I hate to admit it, but these letters have been written. Not by hand upon scraps of paper, and bits of post-it notes as a horrible reminder to myself. No, they are repeated to me, by me. Almost everyday if the angel residing on my left shoulder gets metaphorically suplexed by the devil sitting on the right. And it’s high time I received a lovely letter from myself. One of happiness, and hope, and that good ol’ fashion Mackenzie go-get-’em attitude.

dear mackenzie,

why are you such a crazy, little girl? you agree to things you don’t want to do. you stay friends with people who don’t make you feel good, who just tell you to be a diluted version of yourself. you work at a job that you don’t enjoy in a city you feel is holding you back from doing all of the lovely things you’d like to bring into this world.

but don’t lose the faith, girl. for every friend you have that is telling you to turn down your shine, you have five better friends who appreciate the glare from your shine. for every crappy job you have worked, it has made you a person with an added sense of humility. and it makes you more motivated to go full force on those dreams of yours. and soon, yes you heard me, soon, you will be in a city you adore. sure, you might be surfing some couches, but that’s okay.

but please, oh  please, mackenzie. please slow down. not every piece of your puzzle is supposed to be fitted together within two months span. you aren’t supposed to know where you will be going without some planning. look before you leap, because if you don’t look who is supposed to catch you? and please ask for help when going through these wild plans of yours. please oh please. you will be in that cute metropolis apartment of yours, with the knick-knacks covering the windowsill, and the cat that will constantly knock them down. soon enough, it might not be now, but soon enough. you will be on a stage soon enough, just don’t agree to audition for parts unless you absolutely adore them. and don’t agree with anyone who tells you that not that many people make it into “the biz”. many have. and who says it can’t be you?

but in the meanwhile, enjoy your present. yes, i said it. it sounds like blasphemy doesn’t it? but please, enjoy it. go out and ride your bike while listening to edith piaf. watch barbara streisand movies with your mother. write songs. make up jokes. read books. drink tea. wear a white dress when when everyone wants to wear black. go dancing. enjoy the freeness of your short hair despite the fact that you wish it was long. walk barefoot. think about the future for a minute or two, get excited about it, and then leave it for the future to take care of.

in short,  chill out, silly girl. chill out.

sincerely,

me.

 

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